Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.