4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
what does he know…
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw