Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Human are so complicated
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
and now we wait
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know