If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
getting groceries
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
“No way.” -Jose
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names