My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I can’t stop watching this.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
She: I like Cats
He:
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.