Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.