That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.