“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
this is what they would have looked like, though
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
that’s really how it is
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Meow?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.