[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.