Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…