Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it