My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
A dad and his duck
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.