The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Check your privilege
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”