The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
You Might Also Like
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When the stylist spins you back around
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices