I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”