I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You Might Also Like
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.