You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”