Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.