My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Aw man, but that’s the best part
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.