Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Yup
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.