After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it