no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My life coach traded me.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn