google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me refusing to leave twitter
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?