“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
An odd boast
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Does your wife know you’re single?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Labreador
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning