Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
my favorite genre of twitter
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!