I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…