game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.