you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
who did the taste test?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.