(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop