My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.