Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
You Might Also Like
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
April 1st is the class clown of days.
And then there were 4
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no