I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
emergency phone
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that