the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Breaking news:
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
those birds must be on payroll
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.