Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?