[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.