RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
This is hilarious….
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.