My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
seems like a niche market
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.