playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter