There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]