Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
You better watch out
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
forgive me baja for i have blast
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what