Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…