Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.