[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I have questions??
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids