whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
oh shit
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.