A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You Might Also Like
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.