Just so funny
You Might Also Like
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys