I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
You Might Also Like
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
What a website
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’