I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
translated into Canadian
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.