Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…