My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
wtf is a larm clock?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Feels like the fourth month in January
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you